I do feel beyond relieved that 2019 is over. Quite honestly 2018 and 2019 have been some of the most brutal I’ve had in my life. Every day seemed like a battle and I was exhausted. I have always been an optimist by nature but these past few years have brought me to my knees and made me question everything.
I could recently tell I was just tired of it all and it all caught up with me. I could tell because writing has always been a release for me, but these past few weeks I didn’t have the energy or motivation to even think about it. The emotions of the first holiday season without my dad or our should be 6 month old son crept up on me. The first holiday season without both of my birth parents on this earth was more than I could process. All of the life (and there was plenty of it) that happened to me over that last two years seemed to be weighing me down during this already tough time.
I was tired. I am tired.
But a new year was just around the corner. My entire life I have loved the idea of a new year and all the possibility it brought. It always has such promise and hope, and now more than ever I needed both. And a new decade, even better. So as the new year approached, I found myself anxiously yet cautiously awaiting the strike of midnight. I didn’t know what would come but I desperately needed a new year.
As the minutes of the year came to a close, I found myself with mixed emotions. I was sad because I knew when I left 2019, I would be leaving the last moments with some of the most precious people to me. I was heartbroken thinking of all the hard times. Yet I found myself filling with pride that I had made it through it all. And I felt warmth thinking about all of the loved ones who helped me through it all.
I don’t know what this new year will bring. But I do know I am ready for a new year and I welcome a new decade.
This is the last line to one of my very favorite songs “Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves.
This song always comes to me when I need it most in life. For me, it’s a simple reminder that the storm is over. It does me no good to walk around in a raincoat, rainboots and an umbrella everyday anticipating the worst to pour out of the sky at all times. Sometimes we can get so caught up in anticipating the worst all the time that we can miss the little and big blessings that sneak in along the way. The song is also a sweet reminder that in fact “there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over my head.” This I believe to be true as I believe life is all part of a much grander plan.
This is the perfect song to highlight this Autumn season for me. To be honest it has been one of the most unique season’s I’ve experienced in my life. It has been a season of navigating new normals. It has been a season of truly holding tight to faith that all is happening as it should be and life is unfolding as it is meant to. It has been a season of realizing that although I am still lost I am becoming and I find such hope and power in that. But most importantly the song is a reminder that if I fail to realize that a storm is no longer sitting over me, I’ll miss the spectacular rainbow hanging over my head.
However to be clear, I don’t see this as a declaration that there will be no more tough times ahead. But rather I should focus on all the beauty and goodness that surrounds me. The tough times will come and they will go. But they will never shake the fact that there will always be light hanging over me and that “it’ll all be alright.”
This week is the official halfway point for Autumn.
What a season it has been so far.
It has been more challenging than I ever anticipated or really wanted quite frankly. But even in the chaos (and it has been a true mess) I have found great clarity and have been blessed beyond measure.
I realized that when I fiercely stick to my wellness focus and living in the present, I thrive. But when I allow life to pull me away from those areas of focus, I begin to struggle. When off balance, every little thing that goes on can become traumatic, overwhelming and even seem earth shattering.
In this season of “starting over again“, I realize that we get opportunities to stop, adjust and restart as many times as necessary in life. Even though the season is halfway over, that doesn’t mean all is lost. But rather what a blessing it is that we have a whole other half of a season to get back on track and thrive.