Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 💙

To most today is just an ordinary Tuesday. To me today means so much more. Today, October 15, 2019 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I never imagined October 15th would become a day I cherish like Christmas, New Year’s Day and loved ones birthdays. But for the rest of my life it will be just that.

My husband and I lost our first child when I was 20 weeks pregnant in January. There simply are no words to describe that dark time in our lives. Prior to our own experience with pregnancy loss, I could have never imagined what all it entailed. Whatever preconceived ideas I did have about miscarriage were washed away like a piece of sand in a tsunami once that life altering event forever marked our lives.

Although our son was only in our lives a few short weeks, we loved him like we had known him for an eternity. After his birth as I was holding him for the few short moments I had with him, I just couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was gone but perfect in every way. I saw in him all of the hopes and dreams we had for him. I knew at that moment that I would never get to experience those moments with him on earth but I prayed that he would still get to achieve all those dreams in heaven.

I will never forget the deafening silence that occurred when my son was born, far different from the sweet lullaby that played to mark the birth of all the other babies in the unit. I will never forget having to decide what I wanted to do with our child’s body. I will never forget letting go of our son for the last time. I will never forget the loneliness I felt coming home without him. And that was just the first day without him. I will never forget anything about that day as it forever changed the rest of my life.

I wish I could say navigating life after pregnancy loss has been easy, but it hasn’t been. Pretty much every day of this past year has been awkward and painful. I actually got used to feeling a bit like the grim reaper, since I brought such sadness everywhere I went. But I tried not to focus on that too much. I just did my best to focus on what I could control each day and not worry about the rest.

But all of that brings me to this triumphant today. The fact that I am standing here is a testament to the simple fact that God is so good. It is by his grace, strength and love that I’ve made it through this experience. Each day is still so incredibly hard but I am still standing, which is more than I imagined. Today I still have sadness for our loss but I am also able to hold joy at the same time.

Today I honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for the beautiful and complicated day it is. It honors all the lost sweet little ones and let’s all of their loved ones left behind know that they are not alone. It honors the long journeys we have traveled and encourages us for the journey ahead. And although the day will never replace what we have lost, it’s a kind and gentle reminder that we are not forgotten.

~ C ~

We have been blessed by so many people near and far throughout our loss journey. The prayers and support offered by our family, friends, loved ones and strangers has made all the difference. We are forever thankful.

Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month – October 2019

One of the things I have been learning over the course of the last year is how to hold all the parts of life at the same time. We have to hold all the emotions, all the life events, all of the challenges and all of the triumphs at the same time. We have to hold happiness and sadness in the same moment.  We have to let our fears and bravery stand side by side.  We have to recognize our fullness and emptiness, giving each the necessary space in our life.  The fact is life is complicated but we can’t let that hold us hostage.  We must learn how to hold all the parts of life, while simultaneously making a conscious effort to move forward.  If we don’t embrace this fact, we will forever be in the same exact spot.

Learning to move forward and continue to strive for success in my life, while holding the pain of pregnancy loss is something I have unfortunately become very familiar with. It is one of those things I could have never imagined would be part of my life story. But here I am and here it is. When I experienced my miscarriage nine months ago, it affected me deeply and permanently. There was so much about the experience and the aftermath that I didn’t expect. Some of which I have shared and some of which I plan to share in the future. But the one thing I didn’t quite grasp at the time was how profoundly it would effect my future everydays. It affected me and still affects me everyday in every way.

As a generally optimistic person, at first it was beyond confusing to try to hold deep sadness yet move forward in my life at the same time. But I knew I had to figure this out if I wanted a life worth living. After nearly a year of intentional growth in every facet of my life and work on grief with trusted counselors, I have learned that the key to holding all of life at once is to understand how it all comes together to make us whole. My sadness for the loss of my son and the happiness I have as I strive to achieve other goals in my life come together to tell my story and make me a whole person.

Today on the first day of Pregnancy Loss Awareness month, I remember all of the women who are carrying the pain of the loss of a baby along their journey forward. Often a silent and lonely journey, I pray not that they have an easy one, but rather that they give themselves grace as they manage to hold it all. Because life can be beautiful after loss.

~ C ~

David Jacob

Today June 3rd was our sweet baby boys due date. Tragically we lost him several weeks ago. Although he is not here physically with us, today we celebrate his life and give thanks as he has forever changed our lives.

On January 15th I sat holding my father’s hand as he took his last breath after his courageous battle with cancer. Jesse and I were completely heartbroken, yet we still had a light inside us because of our unborn son and we knew we had to stay strong for him. The very next day January 16th, we pulled ourselves together to go to the twenty-week appointment for our baby boy.  At that appointment the unthinkable happened.  Our previously very active baby had no heartbeat to be found. In a 24-hour period we had lost my father and our son.

There are just no words to describe that dark day and the devastation we were suddenly engulfed in.

The next several days were a living nightmare. Many excruciating decisions. A 14-hour delivery and surgery. Leaving the hospital without our son. A painful recovery. Realizing we had to miss my father’s memorial as traveling post-delivery was too dangerous. And that was just the first week.

In those extremely dark hours I questioned life and everything about it. And despite the hell we were currently burning up in, I knew in that moment there was choice. I could choose to fight for life or not. I knew it was going to be the hardest decision of my life, but I chose the former. I chose to live.

To begin the healing process, I had to step away from the world as I knew it for a while. Every ounce of energy I had needed to be focused on the very next step in front of me and nothing else. And I have found that I spent every moment of the last 4 months fighting. Fighting to breathe through sadness. Fighting for answers. Fighting to smile through devastation. Fighting to navigate the awkwardness of child loss. Fighting to seek wellness. Fighting for hope.



Yet that is not the full story. Because even in the midst of such darkness and despair, we have been showered with such incredible light and love. Family and friends have rallied around us every single step of the way. Doctors and nurses went above and beyond the call to hold our hands through the entire journey. Our new church community loved us and treated us as if we had been lifelong members. Strangers who happened upon our story would stop us to let us know they were thinking and praying for us. Despite the physical, mental and spiritual pain I was feeling, I simply could no longer question God nor humanity, because we were witnessing the very best of both.



I know with every fiber in my being that there is purpose in our pain. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss happen.  They create a terrible silent lifetime membership club that no one wants to be invited to. But once you are forced to join you suddenly realize its membership is large, loving and so supportive. And its allies are kind, understanding and present. 



As I continue to grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually, I will share more of our story. Because if telling about our journey with the loss of our son can help one single person, then it will all be worth it. If letting them know that the loss will never go away but you can make it through dark times, then it will all be worth it. If sharing resources that I’ve found to be helpful in the grieving process can help one person, then it will all be worth it.

Today Jesse and I stand in a place stronger together than we ever have been before.  Today we are able to experience joy in the little daily gifts while balancing the sadness from the what could have been.  Today we focus on living in the moment without worrying about tomorrows.

While I move forward in my healing journey, I will continue to take the personal time necessary, as grieving is a process and unfortunately not a destination. In addition, we will continue to find ways to honor our sweet son David Jacob.

Lastly, we want to thank everyone who has walked with us in this journey. There are so many of you I still need to reach out to with deep thanks and love.  Please know that every single prayer, text, call or act of support means more to us than we can ever put in words. Thank you. ❤

~C~