Welcome 2020

Welcome 2020.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about today.

I do feel beyond relieved that 2019 is over. Quite honestly 2018 and 2019 have been some of the most brutal I’ve had in my life. Every day seemed like a battle and I was exhausted. I have always been an optimist by nature but these past few years have brought me to my knees and made me question everything.

I could recently tell I was just tired of it all and it all caught up with me. I could tell because writing has always been a release for me, but these past few weeks I didn’t have the energy or motivation to even think about it. The emotions of the first holiday season without my dad or our should be 6 month old son crept up on me. The first holiday season without both of my birth parents on this earth was more than I could process. All of the life (and there was plenty of it) that happened to me over that last two years seemed to be weighing me down during this already tough time.

I was tired. I am tired.

But a new year was just around the corner. My entire life I have loved the idea of a new year and all the possibility it brought. It always has such promise and hope, and now more than ever I needed both. And a new decade, even better. So as the new year approached, I found myself anxiously yet cautiously awaiting the strike of midnight. I didn’t know what would come but I desperately needed a new year.

As the minutes of the year came to a close, I found myself with mixed emotions. I was sad because I knew when I left 2019, I would be leaving the last moments with some of the most precious people to me. I was heartbroken thinking of all the hard times. Yet I found myself filling with pride that I had made it through it all. And I felt warmth thinking about all of the loved ones who helped me through it all.

I don’t know what this new year will bring. But I do know I am ready for a new year and I welcome a new decade.

So today I welcome 2020.

~ C ~

A New Autumn

” Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.” – unknown

This quote perfectly sums up my life in this moment. Although it started off strong, as summer wrapped up I felt like my life was in complete chaos. Despite my best efforts to remain grounded in recent weeks, I could barely keep my head above water in what seemed like every aspect of my life. Things were hectic, difficult, emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting and uncertain.

But then on the very last day of summer, everything unfolded right before my eyes. The chaos was actually a clearing out. In the mess of it all, I saw the definitive ending to so many storylines in my life. Some of these storylines were a mere weeks in the making, yet some took many years to develop. Everything, and I literally mean everything, was coming full circle at the same time. It was so overwhelming to realize that it left me speechless. I believe in a higher power and in that moment I was 100 percent certain this was all part of a much grander plan.

But why the clearing? Why this day? And what is coming up next?

I have always believed with every fiber of my being in the power of Autumn. So much so that when I dreamed up this space it was the spirit of Autumn that guided my way. I have always wholeheartedly felt that Autumn was an end and a beginning all in one. Like the quote, I now more than ever believe in the beauty of letting go. This was the biggest lesson I’ve learned over the past few life seasons. It may not always be easy but it is so cathartic. And when we let go of old things, we unconsciously make space for new ones.

So I realized it just makes sense that today, the first day of Autumn and the season that means so much to me, my life feels clear and wide open. This has been the most tumultuous period of my life, yet I have in the same period grown in every way humanly possible. The clearing created from letting go of the chaos and the culmination of stories, has created an opening for endless possibilities and beginnings. This Autumn, more than any Autumn before, brings a sense of peace with it.

This first day of Autumn was chosen to be a pivotal point in my life. That I know for sure. I don’t know what is next for me, but I am hopeful. As I stare at the blank page in front of me, I know this is the beginning of a brand new book for me. I have closed the cover on the previous book and am ready for whatever lies ahead.

Today I welcome Autumn.

~ C ~