Higher Power

Today is the day.

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I have been contemplating starting to write again for an incredibly long time. What took me so long, I’m still not sure. Possibly a fear of rejection or that I wouldn’t keep up with it again. Maybe I hesitated because I was afraid I’d say something wrong, offensive or be misunderstood. Being vulnerable is like climbing Everest for me, so I’m sure that too has been playing an equally-sized part. Regardless of the reason, the idea would percolate in my head and heart, however that is where it would remain.

The words “story” and “storytelling” have been smacking me in the face from every direction as of late. It’s honestly beyond comical that I would continuously ask higher powers to show me signs all the time, then proceed to willfully and blatantly ignore all signs presented. What is my purpose? What do I have to share? These are questions I have asked and answers I have been given over and over again.

I’ve always felt I wanted to share my story. The highs, lows, twists, turns and everything in between. It is not that I think I have the most important story to tell. But I believe if I can help one person out there in sharing any one of my stories, it would be worth it all. And finally telling my stories allows me to continue to move forward to the journey that lies ahead.

Today I find peace in knowing that this sharing space is ready for me and I am ready for it. It was there all along patiently waiting for me to return to truly begin my storytelling. Yes I may say something wrong, misunderstood or offensive, but that fear will no longer freeze me. I have always found healing, joy and purpose in writing and I will lean into that. So today is the day I begin this journey again.

~C.A.~

Picture of Magnolia Market.

Thank you 2021.

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Thank you for making me the person I am today.

Thank you for your disappointments, as I now see they were a necessary part of the plan.

Thank you for the fear you evoked in me, as it challenged me to face them and find strengths I forgot I had.

Thank you for showing me it is okay to disappoint others, particularly when it allows me to stay in alignment with my authentic self.

Thank you for the little joy that steadily lit the way, as I realized how watching a tiny human grow is the very best balm for the soul.

Thank you for teaching me how to show up for others, reminding me that small gestures can make all the difference.

Thank you for your uncertainly, as I found so much of what I needed in life while wading in the abyss of the unknown.

Thank you for introducing me to a new definition of home, as it’s far more about the feeling I get than it ever was about the place I was.

Thank you for helping me create tradition and the comfort that comes along with it.

Thank you for teaching me how to honor healthy boundaries, both my own and those of others.

Thank you for reminding me to lean into life with open arms and malleable expectations, to focus on life’s blessings as they come rather than the disappointment of how I thought they would show up.

Thank you for allowing me to step into womanhood, learning how to balance all the daily complexities of being a wife, mother and myself.

Thank you for being you 2021. This time was meant for my journey and for that I am forever thankful to you.

~C.A.~

For those who are leaving this year with grief, heartache and pain, my heart is with you. Sending you much light and love.

Remaining Steady In The Storm

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There is no greater lesson I have learned in my life than “when you go through hard times you find out who you really are and what you are made of.” 

I learned this countless times throughout my childhood where I felt loved but never felt like I quite fit in. I really understood the meaning of this when I lost my mother suddenly when I was 16. And when a year ago I lost my father to cancer and my unborn son to miscarriage in less than a 24 hour period, this quote stood between me and a dark abyss.

Life can be hard. Life can be brutal. Life can be terrifying. But it is in these dark times that we must remember that “this too shall pass”. And just on the other side of now can be a life more beautiful and blessed beyond measure.

~

As the news of the spreading worldwide coronavirus began to snowball over the past few weeks, I found myself trying to remain calm, in a state of information gathering and in a place of preparedness. Yet if I am being honest, of course I became increasingly concerned day by day. By all reports, I am not quite in a population of greatest risk and concern to contract the virus. And if I did unfortunately contract it, by all statistics I am not at highest risk of severe impact (said certainly prayerfully).

I realized what was bringing me the greatest concern was the unknown. How will this affect my everyday? How will it impact my home? How will it impact the lives of my loved ones? Will everyone I know and love be okay? How will it completely change the world around me for now and forever more? So many questions and not a single person in the world has the answers.

~

As tonight’s breaking news updates about the pandemic came in like rapid-fire, despite all my best efforts to remain calm I instantly began to feel like I did when life was hard and I didn’t know what was on the other side of now. 

But as I said earlier, one of the greatest lessons I have learned is when you go through hard times you find out who you are and what you are really made of. As I felt my anxiety start to rise tonight, I remembered who I was and all the hard things I had crawled through in my life. Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to go inward and search for strength because it is there. Now is the time to rely on the person I know I am. I have been through many days in my life where I just couldn’t picture how I could make it through tomorrow, but I somehow did. There is no doubt this will be an uncertain, scary and possibly painful time for myself and us all. And there is no telling how long it will last. But somewhere beyond this time of uncertainty, life can be beautiful and blessed beyond measure.

~

I decided tonight that although I choose to stay aware, informed and as prepared as possible with relation to the current pandemic we are now facing, I will do the things that have time and time again helped me through uncertain times in my life. I will refocus on wellness and how I treat my body. I will double down on my faith in God, it has not failed me. I will refocus on my home, doing what I can to continue to make it my place of safety and refuge. I will commit to reading more often both for personal and professional development. I will recommit to connecting often with family and friends, and thankfully the technology of our times allow us to do so effortlessly. And most importantly I will recite to myself as often as necessary that this too shall pass.

~

I know this virus has already caused much personal pain, destruction, heartache and loss of life. That is not lost on me. It is simply heartbreaking. I will keep those affected very personally in my thoughts and prayers always. I will take the necessary precautions to reduce my chances of being impacted myself and affecting those directly around me. And as I see ways I can support my communities and those less fortunate in these uncertain times, I commit to do so.

~

This is who I am, created from what I have been through, and this is what I am made of.

This is how I will remain steady in this storm.



~ C ~

This Year…

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When you speak an intention into the world, it is incredible the ways in which the world speaks back to you.

The theme of finding identity and being in search of self has come up in various ways for me each of day of this new year.

This is my new year’s resolution.

~ C ~

Preparation

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Lately a theme that has been weaving itself throughout my life is preparation. It’s as if I am staring from a 50 thousand foot view of my life and everything occurring now is necessary for the next scene to unfold. Yet unfortunately I can’t see exactly what is going on in that next scene.

I’ll come across online articles, news clips, books or even people that I feel a somewhat weird yet divine connection to. As if I needed to have these particular encounters in preparation for what is next for me.

I wish I knew what was next, but I suppose I’ll find out in due time. In the meantime, I’ll continue being open to the preparation currently taking place in my life.

~ C ~