Overcoming

It’s like riding a bike…

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One of my first memories in life occurred when I was about 3 or 4 years old. It was me, completely filled with joy, riding my bicycle by myself for the first time with my family watching and cheering me on. I don’t remember many details about that specific moment, but I do vividly remember being so incredibly happy and proud of myself in that moment.

A few days prior to this shining proud moment, either my mom or my dad (I just can’t remember who), ran over one of my bicycle training wheels with the family minivan. I was devastated. I loved to ride my bicycle all around the neighborhood, doing my best to keep up with my older brothers. But after a quick assessment it was clear the training wheels were damaged beyond repair and had to come off.

If my parents were still living today I would ask them if they remembered this moment in time. Could our family not afford to buy new training wheels at that time? Did they think I was ready to ride without them? How did they know I was ready? Or did they not know, but just pray that it would come to me sooner than later? I will never know how it all transpired, but the twisted training wheels came off and there I was staring at my big girl bicycle.

Me learning how to ride my bicycle was a full family effort. I remember my knees and elbows being all scraped up. I even vaguely remember in one of my post training wheels ride attempts accidentally swerving and putting a nice little dent in my nemesis, the minivan. But I had my helmet on tight and determination in my spirit. And I kept on trying.

After countless failed attempts I was on my bike ready to give it another go. My dad (I believe) helped keep me steady for the first few peddles I took and then let go. And there I was riding my bike. I remember excitement taking over my whole body while I was riding down my street all by myself. I remember my mom, dad and two older brothers watching on and cheering me on. I did it.

How sweet that memory is to me decades later. It is my very first memory in life of conquering a challenge. I didn’t let failed previous attempts or scraped up knees faze me. With my loved ones rooting me on, I accomplished what at the time seemed almost impossible. It was not easy, but the reward was worth the journey.

As I sit here three decades later, I find myself coming back to this memory often as of late. Specifically it was that moment of pure joy of personal achievement, surrounded by those I love that is resonating for me. I’ve been living lately in place of second guessing myself and as I could only describe it as “living small.” I’ve been overanalyzing all the possibilities of what could happen, good and bad, as I stare at “the bike” while it collects dust. I’ve been living as if since my mom and dad are gone, there is no one who cares if I get going on that bike or not.

Life thirty years removed from this moment is infinitely more complicated. But this memory has come as such a gift to me. It is the reminder that no matter the challenge, as long as I take the risk and get on the bicycle without training wheels, I have a chance of succeeding. It will not be easy, but nothing worth it ever was. It is a reminder that I still have a family cheering section, with gained loved ones along the route rooting for me and a newly installed upper deck of stands for fans needing a higher view.

How the journey became twisted, much like the training wheels, is irrelevant at this point. It is what it is. But with prayer as my helmet and determination in my spirit, I will continue to try. I will try to boldly conquer the challenges facing me, with that same courage as 3 or 4 year old me had.

If it’s like riding a bike then I know at least I’ve got a chance.

~C.A.~

Where to begin…

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A few weeks ago I had an epiphany about my story. One day it hit me suddenly that for the majority of my adult life I have repressed my childhood, trying to just forget it all. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but the direct result of simply trying to navigate all the complexities of life after the death of my mother when I was 16.

Walking through the world as a motherless girl, and now woman, is something I would not wish on anyone. The saying “a part of me died that day too” has never been more true to me. From the day breath left her body, my body, spirit, soul and mind have never been the same.

When mom died suddenly everything got exponentially harder. Friends, family and community members who knew our loving family, didn’t know what to say to me so they didn’t say anything at all. Every joyful memory I had with my mother, and with our immediate family of 5, suddenly made me twinge with pain the second it came into thought. The words “broken home”, in an untraditional sense, instantly became very real for me. Even hearing the simple word “family” was just heartbreaking every single time it was spoken.

As the unbearable days, months and years passed, I unconsciously learned to cope by attempting to forget it all. All the wonderful vacations my family took together, the countless times we gathered around the dinner table, the holiday traditions we cherished doing together each year and the many ordinary days we spent as a family doing ordinary things were all just easier to forget than remember without my mother being present. I guess I must have calculated that for my “peace” in this post mom world, it was just easier to forget the bad and the good altogether.

But as I sit here today, decades later finally a mom myself to a sweet toddler boy, I find myself for the first time in almost two decades wanting to remember my life in totality. At first I thought this urge was somehow connected to me becoming a better mother to my son, but as I dug deeper within myself I knew it was much bigger than that. I know now that “peace” I created by trying to forget my life before mom passed, turned into me forgetting the foundational pillars that created me. I realized I have been only bringing a tiny piece of myself to womanhood, wifehood and motherhood. And I cannot begin to become the woman, wife and mother I dream of being, without finally accepting all that made me who I am today.

I need to allow myself to remember the good, bad and everything in between of my years before my mother died to move forward in my life wholly. This rather simple sounding task, may be one of the most difficult I have ever faced. It will require me to willfully sit in pain, be vulnerable, seek help in new ways and bring down protective walls I have spent decades fortifying.

So although I know this won’t be easy, I know deep down that this is where I need to begin in my storytelling journey.

~C.A.~

Thank you 2021.

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Thank you for making me the person I am today.

Thank you for your disappointments, as I now see they were a necessary part of the plan.

Thank you for the fear you evoked in me, as it challenged me to face them and find strengths I forgot I had.

Thank you for showing me it is okay to disappoint others, particularly when it allows me to stay in alignment with my authentic self.

Thank you for the little joy that steadily lit the way, as I realized how watching a tiny human grow is the very best balm for the soul.

Thank you for teaching me how to show up for others, reminding me that small gestures can make all the difference.

Thank you for your uncertainly, as I found so much of what I needed in life while wading in the abyss of the unknown.

Thank you for introducing me to a new definition of home, as it’s far more about the feeling I get than it ever was about the place I was.

Thank you for helping me create tradition and the comfort that comes along with it.

Thank you for teaching me how to honor healthy boundaries, both my own and those of others.

Thank you for reminding me to lean into life with open arms and malleable expectations, to focus on life’s blessings as they come rather than the disappointment of how I thought they would show up.

Thank you for allowing me to step into womanhood, learning how to balance all the daily complexities of being a wife, mother and myself.

Thank you for being you 2021. This time was meant for my journey and for that I am forever thankful to you.

~C.A.~

For those who are leaving this year with grief, heartache and pain, my heart is with you. Sending you much light and love.

Go Unstuck Yourself

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We all can get stuck in life sometimes. We crave change or we know we need change, yet we don’t know what next to do. It can last a week or it can last a decade.

Unstuck yourself. Take a step. Take any step in any direction. Could it be the wrong one? Yes. Could it be the right one? Yes.

Doesn’t matter how small or big of a step, just take one. Briefly stop to celebrate the fact you took a step. Then take another. Repeat.

If you find that after a few steps or even miles you are headed in a direction you don’t want to go it’s okay. You can pivot with the proof that you have the ability to take steps in a new direction.

So go unstuck yourself. The alternative is one day you may look around and realize you are still standing in the same spot.

~C.A.~

Remaining Steady In The Storm

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There is no greater lesson I have learned in my life than “when you go through hard times you find out who you really are and what you are made of.” 

I learned this countless times throughout my childhood where I felt loved but never felt like I quite fit in. I really understood the meaning of this when I lost my mother suddenly when I was 16. And when a year ago I lost my father to cancer and my unborn son to miscarriage in less than a 24 hour period, this quote stood between me and a dark abyss.

Life can be hard. Life can be brutal. Life can be terrifying. But it is in these dark times that we must remember that “this too shall pass”. And just on the other side of now can be a life more beautiful and blessed beyond measure.

~

As the news of the spreading worldwide coronavirus began to snowball over the past few weeks, I found myself trying to remain calm, in a state of information gathering and in a place of preparedness. Yet if I am being honest, of course I became increasingly concerned day by day. By all reports, I am not quite in a population of greatest risk and concern to contract the virus. And if I did unfortunately contract it, by all statistics I am not at highest risk of severe impact (said certainly prayerfully).

I realized what was bringing me the greatest concern was the unknown. How will this affect my everyday? How will it impact my home? How will it impact the lives of my loved ones? Will everyone I know and love be okay? How will it completely change the world around me for now and forever more? So many questions and not a single person in the world has the answers.

~

As tonight’s breaking news updates about the pandemic came in like rapid-fire, despite all my best efforts to remain calm I instantly began to feel like I did when life was hard and I didn’t know what was on the other side of now. 

But as I said earlier, one of the greatest lessons I have learned is when you go through hard times you find out who you are and what you are really made of. As I felt my anxiety start to rise tonight, I remembered who I was and all the hard things I had crawled through in my life. Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to go inward and search for strength because it is there. Now is the time to rely on the person I know I am. I have been through many days in my life where I just couldn’t picture how I could make it through tomorrow, but I somehow did. There is no doubt this will be an uncertain, scary and possibly painful time for myself and us all. And there is no telling how long it will last. But somewhere beyond this time of uncertainty, life can be beautiful and blessed beyond measure.

~

I decided tonight that although I choose to stay aware, informed and as prepared as possible with relation to the current pandemic we are now facing, I will do the things that have time and time again helped me through uncertain times in my life. I will refocus on wellness and how I treat my body. I will double down on my faith in God, it has not failed me. I will refocus on my home, doing what I can to continue to make it my place of safety and refuge. I will commit to reading more often both for personal and professional development. I will recommit to connecting often with family and friends, and thankfully the technology of our times allow us to do so effortlessly. And most importantly I will recite to myself as often as necessary that this too shall pass.

~

I know this virus has already caused much personal pain, destruction, heartache and loss of life. That is not lost on me. It is simply heartbreaking. I will keep those affected very personally in my thoughts and prayers always. I will take the necessary precautions to reduce my chances of being impacted myself and affecting those directly around me. And as I see ways I can support my communities and those less fortunate in these uncertain times, I commit to do so.

~

This is who I am, created from what I have been through, and this is what I am made of.

This is how I will remain steady in this storm.



~ C ~

Welcome 2020

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Welcome 2020.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about today.

I do feel beyond relieved that 2019 is over. Quite honestly 2018 and 2019 have been some of the most brutal I’ve had in my life. Every day seemed like a battle and I was exhausted. I have always been an optimist by nature but these past few years have brought me to my knees and made me question everything.

I could recently tell I was just tired of it all and it all caught up with me. I could tell because writing has always been a release for me, but these past few weeks I didn’t have the energy or motivation to even think about it. The emotions of the first holiday season without my dad or our should be 6 month old son crept up on me. The first holiday season without both of my birth parents on this earth was more than I could process. All of the life (and there was plenty of it) that happened to me over that last two years seemed to be weighing me down during this already tough time.

I was tired. I am tired.

But a new year was just around the corner. My entire life I have loved the idea of a new year and all the possibility it brought. It always has such promise and hope, and now more than ever I needed both. And a new decade, even better. So as the new year approached, I found myself anxiously yet cautiously awaiting the strike of midnight. I didn’t know what would come but I desperately needed a new year.

As the minutes of the year came to a close, I found myself with mixed emotions. I was sad because I knew when I left 2019, I would be leaving the last moments with some of the most precious people to me. I was heartbroken thinking of all the hard times. Yet I found myself filling with pride that I had made it through it all. And I felt warmth thinking about all of the loved ones who helped me through it all.

I don’t know what this new year will bring. But I do know I am ready for a new year and I welcome a new decade.

So today I welcome 2020.

~ C ~