Wellness Check-In

I have to be honest. Focusing on wellness this Autumn has been so incredibly difficult. I’m honestly at a loss. How in the season that inspires me so much, do I also get so far off track?

My eating, sleeping, exercising regularly, personal development focus, staying in the moment and staying in prayer have all been off over the course of the last few weeks. I mean I haven’t been awful I suppose but I’m certainly not where I want to be in all of those areas, among many others.

Although several reasons as to “why” come to mind, if I’m being really clear with myself then I’d have to say this is the season for me where I am finding it easiest to “slip”. And by “slip” I mean come up with an excuse to avoid making a disciplined decision.

As an example last week I wasn’t feeling great, which usually happens for me when the weather starts to change from hot to cold each year. Over the week it was so easy for me to pass on going to the gym, order no-so-healthy takeout (because I was too tired/sick to cook) and let my house clutter quickly to build up (because I was too exhausted to manage it). Instead of pushing through the current state I was in, I gave myself a little too much grace, that ultimately negatively impacted my health and wellness even further. And this is just one example of how off track I have been this season.

Now as much as I want to beat myself up over this, I realize it will only waste more time. So my action plan is simple. Go back to the basics and focus on the little decisions each day. Because each little decision adds up and makes a big difference. I will get reacquainted with my vision board, daily goals and my gratitude daily recaps.

I am refocused and ready to take back my Autumn.

~ C ~

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 💙

To most today is just an ordinary Tuesday. To me today means so much more. Today, October 15, 2019 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I never imagined October 15th would become a day I cherish like Christmas, New Year’s Day and loved ones birthdays. But for the rest of my life it will be just that.

My husband and I lost our first child when I was 20 weeks pregnant in January. There simply are no words to describe that dark time in our lives. Prior to our own experience with pregnancy loss, I could have never imagined what all it entailed. Whatever preconceived ideas I did have about miscarriage were washed away like a piece of sand in a tsunami once that life altering event forever marked our lives.

Although our son was only in our lives a few short weeks, we loved him like we had known him for an eternity. After his birth as I was holding him for the few short moments I had with him, I just couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was gone but perfect in every way. I saw in him all of the hopes and dreams we had for him. I knew at that moment that I would never get to experience those moments with him on earth but I prayed that he would still get to achieve all those dreams in heaven.

I will never forget the deafening silence that occurred when my son was born, far different from the sweet lullaby that played to mark the birth of all the other babies in the unit. I will never forget having to decide what I wanted to do with our child’s body. I will never forget letting go of our son for the last time. I will never forget the loneliness I felt coming home without him. And that was just the first day without him. I will never forget anything about that day as it forever changed the rest of my life.

I wish I could say navigating life after pregnancy loss has been easy, but it hasn’t been. Pretty much every day of this past year has been awkward and painful. I actually got used to feeling a bit like the grim reaper, since I brought such sadness everywhere I went. But I tried not to focus on that too much. I just did my best to focus on what I could control each day and not worry about the rest.

But all of that brings me to this triumphant today. The fact that I am standing here is a testament to the simple fact that God is so good. It is by his grace, strength and love that I’ve made it through this experience. Each day is still so incredibly hard but I am still standing, which is more than I imagined. Today I still have sadness for our loss but I am also able to hold joy at the same time.

Today I honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day for the beautiful and complicated day it is. It honors all the lost sweet little ones and let’s all of their loved ones left behind know that they are not alone. It honors the long journeys we have traveled and encourages us for the journey ahead. And although the day will never replace what we have lost, it’s a kind and gentle reminder that we are not forgotten.

~ C ~

We have been blessed by so many people near and far throughout our loss journey. The prayers and support offered by our family, friends, loved ones and strangers has made all the difference. We are forever thankful.