It almost got lost in it all.
Every season has a purpose in our life. This new season is desperately needed and could not have come at a more perfect time.
Today I welcome spring and the renewing spirit it brings.
~ C ~
There is no greater lesson I have learned in my life than “when you go through hard times you find out who you really are and what you are made of.” ￼
I learned this countless times throughout my childhood where I felt loved but never felt like I quite fit in. I really understood the meaning of this when I lost my mother suddenly when I was 16. And when a year ago I lost my father to cancer and my unborn son to miscarriage in less than a 24 hour period, this quote stood between me and a dark abyss.
Life can be hard. Life can be brutal. Life can be terrifying. But it is in these dark times that we must remember that “this too shall pass”. And just on the other side of now can be a life more beautiful and blessed beyond measure.
As the news of the spreading worldwide coronavirus began to snowball over the past few weeks, I found myself trying to remain calm, in a state of information gathering and in a place of preparedness. Yet if I am being honest, of course I became increasingly concerned day by day. By all reports, I am not quite in a population of greatest risk and concern to contract the virus. And if I did unfortunately contract it, by all statistics I am not at highest risk of severe impact (said certainly prayerfully).
I realized what was bringing me the greatest concern was the unknown. How will this affect my everyday? How will it impact my home? How will it impact the lives of my loved ones? Will everyone I know and love be okay? How will it completely change the world around me for now and forever more? So many questions and not a single person in the world has the answers.￼
As tonight’s breaking news updates about the pandemic came in like rapid-fire, despite all my best efforts to remain calm I instantly began to feel like I did when life was hard and I didn’t know what was on the other side of now. ￼
But as I said earlier, one of the greatest lessons I have learned is when you go through hard times you find out who you are and what you are really made of. As I felt my anxiety start to rise tonight, I remembered who I was and all the hard things I had crawled through in my life. Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to go inward and search for strength because it is there. Now is the time to rely on the person I know I am. I have been through many days in my life where I just couldn’t picture how I could make it through tomorrow, but I somehow did. There is no doubt this will be an uncertain, scary and possibly painful time for myself and us all. And there is no telling how long it will last. But somewhere beyond this time of uncertainty, life can be beautiful and blessed beyond measure.
I decided tonight that although I choose to stay aware, informed and as prepared as possible with relation to the current pandemic we are now facing, I will do the things that have time and time again helped me through uncertain times in my life. I will refocus on wellness and how I treat my body. I will double down on my faith in God, it has not failed me. I will refocus on my home, doing what I can to continue to make it my place of safety and refuge. I will commit to reading more often both for personal and professional development. I will recommit to connecting often with family and friends, and thankfully the technology of our times allow us to do so effortlessly. And most importantly I will recite to myself as often as necessary that this too shall pass.
I know this virus has already caused much personal pain, destruction, heartache and loss of life. That is not lost on me. It is simply heartbreaking. I will keep those affected very personally in my thoughts and prayers always. I will take the necessary precautions to reduce my chances of being impacted myself and affecting those directly around me. And as I see ways I can support my communities and those less fortunate in these uncertain times, I commit to do so.
This is who I am, created from what I have been through, and this is what I am made of.
This is how I will remain steady in this storm.
~ C ~
My mantra for 2020.
~ C ~
When you speak an intention into the world, it is incredible the ways in which the world speaks back to you.
The theme of finding identity and being in search of self has come up in various ways for me each of day of this new year.
This is my new year’s resolution.
~ C ~
I honestly don’t know how to feel about today.
I do feel beyond relieved that 2019 is over. Quite honestly 2018 and 2019 have been some of the most brutal I’ve had in my life. Every day seemed like a battle and I was exhausted. I have always been an optimist by nature but these past few years have brought me to my knees and made me question everything.
I could recently tell I was just tired of it all and it all caught up with me. I could tell because writing has always been a release for me, but these past few weeks I didn’t have the energy or motivation to even think about it. The emotions of the first holiday season without my dad or our should be 6 month old son crept up on me. The first holiday season without both of my birth parents on this earth was more than I could process. All of the life (and there was plenty of it) that happened to me over that last two years seemed to be weighing me down during this already tough time.
I was tired. I am tired.
But a new year was just around the corner. My entire life I have loved the idea of a new year and all the possibility it brought. It always has such promise and hope, and now more than ever I needed both. And a new decade, even better. So as the new year approached, I found myself anxiously yet cautiously awaiting the strike of midnight. I didn’t know what would come but I desperately needed a new year.
As the minutes of the year came to a close, I found myself with mixed emotions. I was sad because I knew when I left 2019, I would be leaving the last moments with some of the most precious people to me. I was heartbroken thinking of all the hard times. Yet I found myself filling with pride that I had made it through it all. And I felt warmth thinking about all of the loved ones who helped me through it all.
I don’t know what this new year will bring. But I do know I am ready for a new year and I welcome a new decade.
So today I welcome 2020.
~ C ~
~ C ~
~ C ~
~ C ~
“It’ll all be alright.”
This is the last line to one of my very favorite songs “Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves.
This song always comes to me when I need it most in life. For me, it’s a simple reminder that the storm is over. It does me no good to walk around in a raincoat, rainboots and an umbrella everyday anticipating the worst to pour out of the sky at all times. Sometimes we can get so caught up in anticipating the worst all the time that we can miss the little and big blessings that sneak in along the way. The song is also a sweet reminder that in fact “there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over my head.” This I believe to be true as I believe life is all part of a much grander plan.
This is the perfect song to highlight this Autumn season for me. To be honest it has been one of the most unique season’s I’ve experienced in my life. It has been a season of navigating new normals. It has been a season of truly holding tight to faith that all is happening as it should be and life is unfolding as it is meant to. It has been a season of realizing that although I am still lost I am becoming and I find such hope and power in that. But most importantly the song is a reminder that if I fail to realize that a storm is no longer sitting over me, I’ll miss the spectacular rainbow hanging over my head.
However to be clear, I don’t see this as a declaration that there will be no more tough times ahead. But rather I should focus on all the beauty and goodness that surrounds me. The tough times will come and they will go. But they will never shake the fact that there will always be light hanging over me and that “it’ll all be alright.”
~ C ~